Revealing

While archiving dozens of my recent entries the other day, I realized the bothersome amount of politically-themed ranting I'd been doing lately and how little personal writing I've contributed as a result. And for a moment I was disappointed in myself for allowing my pathetic obsession over the election to take over this site, transforming it from a place where I share amusing thoughts on everyday life to a single-minded forum where I do little other than kvetch about what may or may not happen November 2.

A friend asked me recently why I never write about my personal relationships here in cyberspace, as fellow bloggers are wont to do in varying levels of detail. Stubborn bastard, he was not satisfied with my response (though I'm sure it was because he hoped for some good dirt). He knows that, for years, I wrote quite prolifically and openly about my love and sex life (in journals or in considerably more fun short stories), even sharing some writings with select friends, knowing their view of me would change dramatically after having been given passage into the darker reaches of my mind.

The truth is, I never intended this blog to explore the emotional depths of my heart, mind and soul. Sorry, pervs, but it was not set up as a vehicle for sharing explicit details of my personal life. My intention was to motivate and discipline myself to write regularly for an audience of friends and strangers, revealing my personality and character through light-hearted snippets of my life while shrouding my deeper self behind the cyber-curtain. Not that anything I've written has been fictionalized, nor do I attempt to hide my scary, actual self behind embellishments. I simply refrain from delving too deeply into my complex, highly sensitive and terribly imbalanced psyche for fear of being even more drastically misunderstood than I am with only partial exposure. Yet sometimes I toy with the idea that it's time I truly let loose and share all, fully encompassing the description of individual as "open book."

While I have, on rare occasion, dipped into the well of deeper emotions and exposed feelings toward my personal relationships, it is not something I have done without some nagging doubts. Rest assured, when this election no longer monopolizes my thoughts, I'll be free once again to share matters of a more personal nature, perhaps now taking a giant leap forward and revealing my true emotions more often, silencing that crippling inner censor once and for all.

Posted by ayelet at October 24, 2004 12:56 PM