Out With the Old...

Happy new year, all! It was a relatively quiet one here, marked by a fantastically indulgent dinner, free-flowing red wine and a small group of wonderful friends laughing over music and poker chips at a spectacular A-frame house deep in the redwoods where llamas are the preferred pet and a wood-burning stove kept us toasty under a pitch-black, star-filled sky.

Resolutions? No, thanks. Like most, I see January 1 as something of a fresh start, but I've never been one to write down or even verbalize specific resolutions. I have focused on the follies and successes that cluttered 2004 and will now give myself many migraines as I attempt to learn from them.

At this time last year, I was preparing to leave my home city of New York for an uncertain future in some far-flung coastal town I'd only seen once but hoped I could love as much (albeit in very different ways). Now, after nearly a year here, I have moved beyond the disappointment of not getting into graduate school and have settled into a life that's surprisingly fulfilling. After months of white-knuckled frustration and a seemingly endless parade of what-the-fuck! moments, I find I'm (gasp!) happy here. Mind you, my life in this isolated enclave is so bloody far from what I imagined for myself, I sometimes wonder if it's all just one of those dreams that makes a David Lynch movie look like Sesame Street. But daggumit, I'm happy. I miss New York terribly and I will continue to do so until the day comes when I can make it my home again, but I've carved out a life here that lives up to standards I struggled (and failed, in certain respects) to achieve in New York.

Professionally, I'm in an excellent position as I enter my 10th year of earning a living as a writer (minus the frustrating months spent doing administrative jobs, forced to moonlight with intermittent writing gigs). I suppose a New Year's resolution, were I to have one, would be to continue not to take this good fortune for granted. This will be especially helpful to remember when ripping out my legendary curly locks over some looming deadline.

Personally, I struggle daily with the confusion and constant self-examination that comes with being a highly, sometimes dangerously introspective person. I doubt myself. I doubt those who love me. I doubt my choices and my path. Hell, I even doubt my brand of toothpaste. And yet being attentive to the persistence of these doubts means I can actively work to keep them from negatively affecting my relationships. That's a job in itself.

Physically, I'm in better shape than I've been as long as I can remember. So if I must squeeze out another resolution (which I won't), it would be to keep up the healthy lifestyle I've adopted here. It agrees with me. Which means I'll continue to push myself physically until running a marathon would be a walk in the park. Right now it'd be more like hurtling myself over a rock-strewn cliff, but hey, I'm working on it.

So, will I continue to bitch and moan about the myriad minor inconveniences that litter every waking moment of American life? Probably. Should I? Probably not. But despite our best intentions, we all do it and we'll all carry on doing it. Me writing someting like, "Golly, we should all be thankful for what we have and not take any glorious aspect of life for granted" would be sheer hypocrisy. And pure horseshit, at that.

But taking a moment out of my frequent whining to ponder the actual significance of whatever trifling matter lays the groundwork for my aggravation... that's where the real resolution lies. I promise to work on it, if you will.

Posted by ayelet at January 3, 2005 11:33 AM | TrackBack