|
|
|
|
|
After a fine Memorial Day mini-vacation, I returned to a mini-mountain of work. Add a mammoth freelance project to my usual workload and you have yourself one shitload of writing to be done. See the helpful equation I've devised below:
Regular writing job + big freelance writing project = one shitload of writing
My brain, it is tired.
And since my manner of earning a living is solely through the magic of the written word, I've found it a challenge keeping up with blogging, which (in case there was any lingering doubt) pays squat. Actually, I'll be frank and admit I've been seriously considering sending AyeletLikeItIs out to pasture. Now, don't get your knickers all in a twist and start your email campaign, begging me not to stop blogging, as if the absence of my sporadic whining would facilitate a major disruption in your life.
The honest truth is that keeping this blog has affected my other personal writing in that I hardly do any anymore. 2004 was the first year since I could pick up a pen that I didn't painstaking record my personal thoughts and stream of consciousness for the benefit of my own sanity and mounting wisdom. That is, anywhere aside from this public forum. And that's simply (for lack of a better expression) no good.
Yes, it is true that I periodically spew forth a bounty of personal contemplation here on this site. And it's true that many entries incorporate emotion, opinion (ya think?), sentiment, you name it. Yet my inner censor will never be fully quieted when writing anything with the remotest chance of being seen by anyone other than whomever will have the unfortunate task of sorting through my journals once I’m gone. I genuinely envy those who write with abandon, expressing their every emotion for the entire blog universe to absorb. How can I write about my job when a co-worker might read it? How can I write about my siblings when they have eyes and brains and Internet access? How can I write about my love life when parents and exes are reading (not to mention certain impressionable young ‘uns)? How can I articulate my distress over all the divorces around me when those breaking up read my blog to distract themselves from their personal drama by means of my insistent seething? I make every attempt not to censor what goes in to my posts and I can honestly say that, once I commence ranting on a subject, all manner of suppression evaporates. Yet there are countless topics I dare not touch, for fear of offending or hurting those I care about or damaging my professional prospects. So I stick to what’s reasonably safe, limit my deepest emotions, curb my need to spill all.
I am fully aware that I will need to get over my fear of offending anyone and put aside the self-consciousness that exists in terms of my writing if I ever want to publish anything of significance. That's a considerable hurdle in and of itself, one I'm sure countless writers battle in their quest to express themselves on paper.
Another reason I often consider discontinuing this site is that I simply can’t devote as much time to it as I’d like. Each day presents me with innumerable new fixations about which I yearn to write, yet couldn’t possibly tackle entirely. My utter contempt for our government foremost (and sadly, perpetual) among topics, I also stumble upon various bits throughout my day that pique my relentless curiosity about the world and practically induce me into writing. I read something interesting or maddening in the news and I yearn to chat about it here, but (as often befalls me), the news is sorely outdated and anger diminished by the time I get around to expressing my thoughts on the matter. I keep a tiny green notebook with me at all times, in which I’m constantly scribbling thoughts, questions, oddities, concerns and intriguing little tidbits I hope to share on this blog and yet weeks sometimes pass before I’m availed of the time.
It’s an everyday struggle for just about every adult to devote as much time as they’d like to whatever creative or leisure pursuits strike their fancy. For me, the added dilemma of battling my inner silencer makes for a sizeable challenge. I’m entirely up for the fight, though I realize the chances of anyone ever winning are slim.
Posted by ayelet at June 7, 2005 09:59 AMHey I like those rants of yours. So you don't write often...we can handle it. I know you do other writing; does it make sense to post whatever else you've written, assuming it's not owned by someone else? Just a thought; I'd be interested in reading whatever else you are doing.
Posted by: rhubarbpie at June 9, 2005 04:31 PMWhat I've been finding, since I decided to cut back on my blogging expenditures, is that I'm liking what I'm writing a lot more. It became a pathological need for me at one point, to blog daily and at length. I'm the opposite of you in our approaches to blogging, but it came to the same end result-- not being satisfied with blogging as a pure creative outlet. I went pretty far with it, but in my case it was my inability to censor myself that got me in trouble.
I say, keep the blog, but put up a disclaimer saying how you don't update that often. That way, people know you're still in the game but won't come to expect regular stuff from you. Let the hiatus go on for a while.
But then again, you pay for this site, right? It's not a free Blogspot account, I know that. If it's not worth it to you to keep paying for it, then it's up to you. I don't want to see you stop, but it's your decision.
You will be missed if you do stop, you realize?
Posted by: james at June 7, 2005 01:24 PM