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Spotted today at Long's drugstore: Halloween candy. In freakin' August! Who cares that it's 60 degrees here and we're all wearing fleece? The Day of the Dead is two freakin' months away!
Wait... that's it! I've single-handedly uncovered the reason so many Americans are obese. Slow metabolism, my ass! It's because holiday candy goes on sale so effing early that people have months upon months in which to stock up, eat up and then be forced to stock up again repeatedly before the actual holiday dawns! How do you like that? I've cracked the case! Here's a handy breakdown to help you grasp the compelling scientific evidence supporting my theory:
Valentine's Day candy = on sale immediately after the heaps of Christmas candy are cleared from store shelves
Easter candy = on sale immediately after sickeningly sweet, oft-powdery Valentine's Day candy is cleared
4th of July candy (red, white & blue M&Ms and such) = on sale soon after the pastel remnants of Easter are cleared
Halloween candy = on sale the very minute summer candy sales start slipping
Christmas candy = on sale immediately after the drastically marked-down Halloween candy is cleared
Oh, science, thou art so dim not to have thus far unearthed this most simple of hypotheses! Want to keep Americans thinner? Clearly, all we must do to thwart the obesity epidemic is to pass a law making it a crime to sell candy (or other such holiday foodstuffs) more than two weeks before its associated occasion*. No one needs to buy shit for a holiday more than two weeks in advance, particularly food products. You want to shop early for your Christmas decorations or Halloween costume? Hey, go wild. But I can think of no conceivable reason one should have that colossal bowl of Halloween candy perched by the front door, awaiting eager trick-or-treaters who won't be showing up for another two freakin' months. Can you?
* It is OK to sell candy corns early because they are rad.
Posted by ayelet at August 26, 2005 03:34 PMOk, that post just made me realize.. i have a coworker who puts together the credit union branch candy dishes. She takes the Christmas Hershey Kisses (for example) and picks out the red ones to use for V-day and the green ones for St. Patricks! Yeah, you probably have eaten several year-old candies, but why not use them the whole year through?
Posted by: Aviva at August 29, 2005 08:06 AMOk, I agree with the way too freakin early sale of candy, and here it is 97 degrees, the damn stuff will melt before you even get home with it! However, I do think that sale restricted to the actual month of said holiday is acceptable. October 1 for Haloween, November 1 for Thanksgiving and December 1 for Christmas. I do have one slight problem with the "lets make everyone fat and sell stuff way early" ploy. Why the hell can't they sell Egg Nog early!! (Sorry to anyone who may be gagging right now, but I love the stuff!) It seems as though that is the only holiday foodstuff that is under heavy lock and key until Christmas time. Does anyone else wonder if they just unwrap and rewrap the unsold candy in different holiday colors?
Posted by: Erika at August 27, 2005 12:59 PMyou think that they wait to put Christmas stuff out until the Halloween candy is gone??? I was at Costco on Thursday and the Christmas decorations, wrap & toys are OUT. I give up... and screw it.. if we want candy we can get it any time we want. Now Peeps come in every shape & color for every holiday too...
(i agree on candy corn. and anything chocolate)